Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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