i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Randomize
