Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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