I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
