I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize