3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
