So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
We're too hungover to prance.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
