R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
you would pick up someone in the library
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
