: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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