I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
