I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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