her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
