i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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