I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
