ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
is that a dick in a sweater?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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