My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
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