I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
