I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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