I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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