my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
