Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Mom said you looked used
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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