ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
