Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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