Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
