News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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