every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
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