No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
