Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
