why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
