Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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