Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
