If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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