She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize