I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Randomize
