I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
