The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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