Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
