I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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