Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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