If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
