I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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