Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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