He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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