you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
