hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
