Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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