Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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