the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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