There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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