Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
