i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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