Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
