My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
