Apparently you make a good broom.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
