Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Randomize
