saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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