Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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