I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
