hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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