I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
