legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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