What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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