blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
