Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
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