my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize