he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
