Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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