Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize