Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
