kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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