I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
