How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Randomize
